Is It Behavior? What to Look for Beneath the Surface

 When a child avoids eye contact, scripts lines from a favorite show, melts down, or “doesn’t follow directions,” it’s easy to label it as just “behavior.”

But what if that’s not the full picture? What if instead we paused and got curious. We asked ourselves these questions. 

• Is this communication?
• Is this sensory overwhelm?
• Is this a motor planning challenge?
• Is this anxiety, fatigue, or a need for predictability?
• Is this the child doing their best with the skills and support they currently have?

Neurodiversity-affirming practice invites us to look beneath the surface. Because what we label as “behavior” is often something much more.

Get Curious

Instead of jumping to fix or stop a behavior, we can start by getting curious. Observe patterns.

When does it happen? Where? With whom? What happened before and after?

Behavior is often context-dependent. It does not happen in isolation. When we slow down and look for patterns, we start to see that many behaviors are predictable responses to environments, expectations, and internal states. Curiosity opens the door to understanding. Correction often shuts it.

Assume Communication First

Even when it does not look like “traditional” communication, we can begin with the assumption that it is communication. Ask yourself… What might this child be trying to express? Could it be… 

• A protest
• A request
• A need to escape
• A desire to connect

The shift from “How do we stop this?” to “What is this telling us?” can be incredibly important to best supporting the child or client. 

Look at Sensory and Regulation Needs

Many behaviors are rooted in sensory experiences or regulation.

Is the environment too loud, bright, fast, or unpredictable? Sensory overwhelm can look like “noncompliance” or “meltdowns,” but it is often the nervous system asking for support.

We can also look for signs of dysregulation:

• Shutting down
• Fleeing or avoiding
• Escalating responses

These are not signs that a child is trying to be difficult. They are signs that a child is having a difficult time. Again, that shift in thinking and understanding matters.

Consider Processing and Motor Demands

Sometimes what looks like “not following directions” is actually a mismatch between what is being asked and what the child can currently do. Ask yourself:

• Are the directions too complex?
• Has the child had enough time to process?
• Are we expecting a motor response their body cannot yet coordinate?

When we adjust our expectations and provide support, we often see the “behavior” shift without needing to directly target it at all.

Expand Communication Instead of Eliminating Behavior

Rather than trying to eliminate behaviors, we can focus on expanding communication.

This might look like:

• Modeling language
• Using visuals
• Incorporating AAC
• Supporting gestures or body-based communication

When a child has more ways to express themselves, the need for certain behaviors often decreases naturally. Not because we stopped the behavior, but because we supported the communication behind it.

A Quick Note on Eye Contact and Joint Attention

Eye contact is often one of the first things targeted when we think about social communication. But the research suggests we need to think more carefully.

Studies show that autistic children may engage in joint attention just as often as their peers, but in different, less conventional ways. They may initiate connection without relying on direct eye contact.

We also know that direct gaze does not always feel comfortable or meaningful for autistic individuals. In some cases, it may even reduce engagement rather than support it.This means that goals centered around eye contact or “typical” joint attention may not only be unnecessary, but could also miss the ways a child is already trying to connect.

Instead, we can focus on recognizing and joining the child’s attention. Connection does not have to look one specific way to be real.

Want to Learn More?

If you’re ready to better understand what’s underneath behavior and how to support autistic children in a more meaningful, neurodiversity-affirming way: 

• Our Original Meaningful Speech course on Echolalia & Child-Led Therapy dives deeper into gestalt language development, echolalia, and how to support communication through connection rather than compliance. We also include guidance on goal writing, supporting regulation, and working with children across a variety of settings.
• Looking for something you can reference again and again? Our Gestalt Language Processing Handbook is available in both parent and professional versions, and now in English and Spanish. It’s designed to help you apply these concepts in real-life situations, whether you’re at home, in the classroom, or in therapy.
• If you’re just getting started, our free Masterclass on Echolalia & Child-Led Therapy is the perfect place to begin.